Abuse from where you least expect

I made a promise to myself when I made this blog that I wouldn’t be whiney. I promised to myself that this blog is going to change me and I am going to be a professional individual and show the world that regardless of my age I am a well spoken person and am capable of being a well functioning member of society. Since September I have turned into a very immature and winey person, During exam break with being offline and such I made the decision that I am no longer going to be winey and emotional because I wanted much more to be mature and able to discuss things without my hormones getting in the way and what not. The events that occurred for me tonight made me think about the previous actions of this individual and come to a conclusion.

So here is what happened, earlier my older brother (two  years older than me) was interacting with me and we were conversing and playing around and teasing each other. I decided to pull the strings on his sweater making one obnoxiously longer than the other a joke I often play on friends but have never done to him. He quickly got very mad and pulled my hair refraining me from moving forward and walked in front of me. I followed because I was already headed in that direction but was delayed because his actions of pulling my hair revoking my ability to move forward, when I saw him enter his room I decided to enter with him because eyes are attracted to movement and light and my room which was beside his was dark so I followed and placed one foot inside when I saw him turn around with a frightening scowl on his face so I quickly move backwards. I reached 2 thirds of the hall furthest from his bedroom near the entrance of my mothers and fathers bedroom when he rammed his large and muscular body into mine causing me to roughly fall onto the flour creating instant shock of pain through my backside what I landed on. Keep in mind my  brother is over 6 feet tall, 16 years old and merely 150 pounds of muscle and I am 14 5 feet tall and 120 pounds. He evidently rammed his body into mine causing me to collapse onto the floor of my  mothers bedroom, his force pushing me there. After causing such destruction he stared blankly realising what he had done and ran away trying to persuade our mother onto his side before being able to getting in trouble. His deceptive and manipulative  acts didn’t work as she was in stressed for an interview tomorrow and in a very bad mood. I called for her to come help me as the sharp pains in my rear side were unbearable and as she stomped her way over I could tell it was not going to be constructive and justice was not going to be served. With the presence of my mother came a sharp scream and she ended up putting most of the blame on me for evoking him but still I find his action was not equal to mine, I don’t find that he needed to pull my hair and knock me over for the simple act of pulling his strings and continue the teasing that he started.

So these events led me to thinking about other situations like these. The words that were repeated in this brainstorm were: mean, manipulative, dangerous, unfair, ridiculous, and finally abusive.

My mom and I have always known that he had difficulty controlling his anger and was extremely explosive but before he actually started to workout and gain muscle mass I knew I could take him and he could never physically harm me, before this he would verbally abuse me by calling me fat, worthless, telling me multiple times to kill myself etc. This mentally damaged me causing me to think awful things and do awful and serious things to myself. I have since recovered and am mentally okay.

BUT I have noticed a pattern of him being physically violent. His out lashes seem very dangerous and to be quite honest I find myself constantly afraid of my brother. He is able an has caused serious harm to me and I find myself feeling constantly unsafe. The person I used to trust my life with has now causing me to think he will be the cause of my end of life.

I don’t know how to express this but he causes harm to me, his grips when we are playing around are very rough and everything seems very real, and very dangerous.

My brother is abusing me, physically and mentally.

I’ve been unaware of it but I am glad I am able to now open my eyes and see what dangers he brings.

Anyone reading this please don’t be worried about me I have had enough martial arts training to withstand him, I have access away from him if I need to leave urgently I am able to do so and am usually backed up by my parents.

Also Id like to state that my parents in no way are bad parents they have been loving and caring through my whole life and I’ve only recently experienced problems with them but they are great parents and everything in that aspect is okay.

wish me luck as I need to withstand his torcher for a year and a half more.

-Alex

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